Psalm 109:8

It was sent to me like that via email. Straight up it's pretty amusing, though the larger context of the entire Psalm it is a bit strong to apply to the President... to put it mildly.

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Only the shadow knows...

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Confidential sources close to the White House have confirmed that President Obama was indeed on Air Force One today as it attempted to land in New York, but the flight was turned away three times by ground fire originating from Bank of America shareholders.

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The Multi-Generational Financial Rape Act of 2009 passed in the House of Representatives Friday without a single Republican vote and the loss of seven Democrats, sending the bill to the Senate, where just three turncoats—Susan Collins, Olympia Snowe, and Arlen Specter—could be fooled into voting for a massive spending program no Senator or Congressman has read.

The unexamined legislation forced through Congress with little oversight or review is expected to threaten the nation's credit rating, potentially devalue the dollar, and lead to a spike in inflation not seen since Jimmy Carter's abortive Presidency.

Neophyte President Barack Obama, less than a month into the first professional executive position of his life (the failed chairmanship of the Chicago Annenberg Challenge that wasted tens of millions of educational dollars in attempting Marxist indoctrination was a volunteer position), is poised to sign the Bill on Monday Tuesday (because one simply must have a three-day weekend his third week on the job), adding years to the recession, and increasing violent crime and property crime to levels not seen in decades outside of Chicago public schools.

In light of these bold, decisive, and reckless series of decisions of Congressmen and women more intent on catching their vacation flights than helping theri constituents, many Americans have decided that now is a great time to put money back into certain segments of the economy, spurring a run on shelf-stable foods, water purifiers, subterranean concrete construction, and of course, firearms.

While I don't have the necessary background to help people determine the best brand of freeze-dried ice cream or powdered milk, and my knowledge of the right cement mix to use in do-it-yourself bunkers is very limited, I have spent a considerable amount of my recreational time over the years around firearms and ammunition, including a stint selling guns and ammo for a major sporting goods retailer that rhymes with "Pricks."

Without further ado, here are some select choices, broken down by political affiliation

Guns for Liberals
For the hardcore hope-and-changer, nothing says I HEART OBAMA more than the 10 Exciting Power Squirt, just the kind of item New York Times editorialists gush over when they're gushing about the Great Big O. This Indonesian import is colorful, and is guaranteed to leave you soaked. And while it can't really defend you from anyone or anything, gosh-darn it, it sure looks fun!

For fans of San Fran Nan and her all important junket to Italy, we offer the 8mm Beretta CX4. Made of the same space-age polymers and rigid plastics as our Speaker of the House, this ultra-fabulous design looks capable, but when it goes off, the joke's on you.

And last but not least, the perfect Harry Reid gun is obvious, if lacking spark.

Guns For Obamacons
Not quite liberal, but certainly not conservative, Obamacons want a little power in their hands, even if they don't know what to do with it. Nothing could be more fitting for an Obamacon than the powerful new Taurus revolver, the Judge. A pistol designed to fire a .410 shotgun shell, the Judge is a favorite of Obamacons everywhere. We recommend Obamacons use the Judge with 12-gauge shells. True, that doesn't fit, but they can always try to force it and see how that works out.

For Conservatives, both Democrat and Republican
How many are you willing to sell, and at what profit margin?

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Admit it. Your lip twitched into a smile when you read that.

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The economy has brought many industries to their knees, including one line of work that spends a considerable portion of its time there anyway.

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Mild content warning for profanity, but pretty amusing all the same.

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Caparzo: 'Hey, Mellish, look at this. An Obama Youth knife.'

Mellish: (jokingly) 'And now it's a moose skinner, right?'

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(H/t The Crescat via The Anchoress)

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In all fairness, his mom's first name was Stanley.

(h/t Snapped Shot)

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You try to find pictures of one of ours in scandalous beachwear, we'll find one of yours in a mankini.

That's the "Chicago Way."

Update: Connery's character Zed pre-plagiarized Obama in this 1974 film... or perhaps anticipated his campaign's reaction to Palin's wiping him from the news just hours after his coronation in Denver:

Stay behind my aura!

Posted by: Confederate Yankee at 06:28 AM | Comments (13) | Add Comment
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• Unlike Dick Cheney, who shoots small birds with a 28-gauge shotgun, Sarah Palin hunts moose. When she shoots a lawyer, they'll stay down.
• Single-handedly responsible for the booming political "-ILF" industry.
• Husband Todd Palin's name is actually Yup'ik Eskimo for "Russell Crowe."
• Palin's son Track is so tough that when joined the Army it was decided that he will be deployed to Iraq... as an MRAP.
• A, combat pilot John McCain knew how to flew aircraft. A bush pilot, Sarah Palin knows how to land them.
• Unlike Barack Obama, whose basketball skills consist of losing pick-up games, Sarah Palin was a state championship point guard... and won it playing on a broken foot.

Add your own in the comments, and we'll "promote" the best.

Update: I surrender.

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1 When asked about alternative energy in lights of the current crisis, Palin said, "I'd be more than happy to drill in Pelosi's head to power the country on hot air."

Posted by: Lord Nazh at August 29, 2008 10:22 AM (/fqeh)

2 CY,that was way to funny,but I couldnt agree more.A 30.06 is just alittle bit more intrusive dont ya think.

Posted by: 1903A3 at August 29, 2008 11:16 AM (0JFRo)

3 Did you know she's a creationist?

Posted by: Dinsdale at August 29, 2008 11:30 AM (M0tVn)

4 Ooooo...spooky. A creationist vice presidential candidate. Darwin knows that's never happened before... Heck, I'm practically a militant atheist and I don't care. More important are her views on tax law and foreign relations.

Posted by: Urban Scorpion at August 29, 2008 11:42 AM (brXvC)

5 It is a great day, for the country, for the GOP and for the cause of women in our Republic...

Posted by: Carlos Echevarria at August 29, 2008 12:01 PM (CsNoJ)

6 sorry to delete the comment you were responding to, Urban, but I don't care for lies. The only direct comment she's made about creationism is this: "Teach both. You know, don't be afraid of information. "Healthy debate is so important and it's so valuable in our schools. I am a proponent of teaching both. "And, you know, I say this, too, as the daughter of a science teacher. Growing up with being so privileged and blessed to be given a lot of information on, on both sides of the subject — creationism and evolution. "It's been a healthy foundation for me. But don't be afraid of information and let kids debate both sides." She supports a free exchange of ideas so that people can decide on their own which they want to believe? What a scary idea, this concept of intellectual and religious freedom. I guess to fanatical atheists, that freedom is close enough to creationism for them to go on a bender, but it isn't intellectually honest. Full disclosure: I'm not a creationist, but I'm offended by them, either.

Posted by: Confederate Yankee at August 29, 2008 12:13 PM (HcgFD)

7 I only hope she influences some of McCain's policies. This definitely cinches my vote for McCain as I was hoping he'd pick a real conservative for VP. She doesn't believe in global warming, but McCain seems to certainly believe there's an anthropogenic element to it. I'm curious as to how that will play out.

Posted by: Skeptic at August 29, 2008 01:58 PM (+oENr)

8 Palin has the power to make liberals' heads asplode. She is going to really make this an interesting race. I wager we're going to see sexism from the Left so extreme that it will surpass anything they ever accused the Right of perpetuating. I'm still trying to mentally diagram that last sentence... I think it came out correctly.

Posted by: Russ at August 29, 2008 02:09 PM (5fmXL)

9 Russ, the construction isn't the problem, its the philosophical yoga required for the media to avoid the fact that it's coming. Disavowal is their only choice, not even Chuck Norris (now I must run to the ends of the earth and hide for using the Name), could kick the sexism hard enough to spin it.

Posted by: Gus Bailey at August 29, 2008 02:31 PM (LZarw)

10 Palin, So tough Chuck Norris is too scared shoot hoops with her. (Apparently her nick name on the high school basketball team was Sarah "Barracuda" Palin)

Posted by: grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr at August 29, 2008 04:00 PM (gkobM)

11 Sarah Palin saw that there was oil and natural gas in her native Alaska, and there is! She felt the winds blow, and knew they could generate electricity, and they can! She knows that the greatest impediment to our Nation being self-sufficient in energy is the Federal Government, and it is! Sarah Palin, Truth and Change We Can Believe In!

Posted by: Tom TB at August 30, 2008 09:57 AM (MY2ut)

12 All of this delicious contempt and bitterness oozing from the libs' heads over Sarah Palin makes a wonderful popcorn topping. The aroma of lib defeat and fear is an unexpected enjoyment (schadenfreude anyone?). Hollywood is reported to be self-medicating and entering therapy for PTSD (post-traumatic Sarah disorder). The fall tv season and expected holiday movie releases may be postponed due to celebrity dysfunction. Ronald Reagan reruns will be used to fill the schedule. McCain/Palin for '08 & 8!

Posted by: twolaneflash at August 30, 2008 12:03 PM (05dZx)

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Unable to beat the Israeli Defense Forces via conventional tactics, the crack Hamas Line Dancing Battalion prepares for an achy-breaky cross border raid.

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When you've got to throw this many people under the bus, it's going to take a lot of buses.

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Holly Springs, NC Animal Control & BBQ. Sent in via email.

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...but why was Hillary Clinton campaigning in Mexico?

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Did we have a Jayson Blair on our hands--or, closer to home, another Stephen Glass, the fabulist who did so much to tarnish this magazine's reputation ten years ago? Or perhaps another Ruth Shalit, whose plagiarism at this magazine did somewhat less tarnishing 2 years earlier? Or could he be another Lee Siegel, whose 2007 sock puppeting at this magazine resulted another tarnishing, albeit only around 40 on the Glass Tarnish Quotient? One fact was clear: painful experience has taught us at The New Republic to be on the lookout for tarnishings...

Heh. Read the whole thing.

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1 Oh my, Franklin! You shouldn't let your post-its get found that easily! Descent bit of satire there...a bit rough, but more or less good

Posted by: Mark at December 06, 2007 12:03 AM (P8ylB)

2 LOLZ ! Unlike Foer's 14 page bag of mostly farts, I did read EVERY WORD of Lord Iowahawk's reversion of the Foer treatise. All 875 freakin' pages. Well done Mr. Burge!

Posted by: Justacanuck at December 06, 2007 12:25 AM (hgxwr)

3 Fact-checking is a process used by most magazines (but not most newspapers) to independently verify what's in their articles. Webster defines "Fact" as 1. something that actually exists; reality; truth: 2. something known to exist or to have happened: 3. a truth known by actual experience or observation; something known to be true. But when it comes right down to it, is "fact-checking" really all that simple? Comedy gold.

Posted by: capitano at December 06, 2007 08:26 AM (+NO33)

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I didn't post anything yesterday because I've got separate investigations going on at once that I'm trying to stay on top of, and I have the honor of providing a noted photojournalism expert with material for a photoethics speech he's giving overseas in October.

Since I haven't been giving you real content, here's some "Friday Stupid" to keep you entertained.

Only you can prevent forest fires:

I'll see if I can dig in and provide you with something more substantial (and less drafty) later today.

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Some, including the host of this fine weblog, seem to doubt the authenticity of the recent claims made by Scott Thomas Beauchamp. I for one, however, have no doubt Mr. Beauchamp is speaking the "truth" as he knows it.

Conservative webloggers, ace from ace of spades, Bryan and Allahpundit of Hotair, Michelle Malkin and countless others have tried to dispute his claims making wild and baseless accusations. So far they have successfully managed to have all forms of his communication cut off, except for his prestigious weblog, scottthomas.us.

For the life of me, I cannot seem to figure out why these "webloggers" insist on harping on this one pour pitiful soul, who is obviously lost and far from home. Do we doubt General J.C. Christian, the manliest of all conservative "webloggers", when he eviscerates liberals like Bill O'Reilly who are trying to pose as conservatives? Do we doubt the concern tbogg displays so proudly for our conservative brethren? Who could forget the sincerity displayed by Markos Zúniga when he expressed concern for anyone, especially civilian contractors, overseas in Iraq.

Yet, those billing themselves as "conservatives" continue to mock and shame Mr. Beauchamp for trying to shed light on a very difficult situation in Iraq. When Michelle Malkin's commentors revolted and showed support for him did she change her mind? Not even in the slightest. Even though Franklin Foer has launched and investigation and confirmed Mr. Beauchamp's allegations, the mocking continues. I suspect the only comfort Mr. Beauchamp is able to find is in the wanton arms of the ethnically pure women in Germany who keep throwing themselves at him.

To Mr. Beauchamp, I say soldier on. This to shall pass and the "truth" will set you free. Just as we've confirmed that 9/11 was a plot by President Bush and that Karl Rove is using mind control beams to make us all his subjects. Luckily there's a place like this, under the big-tin-foil-tent, to keep us safe from harm.

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